Creating Healthy Boundaries
Jenna is a ‘People Pleaser’.
She goes to birthday parties and events even when exhausted because she doesn’t want to hurt anyone.
She stays up late talking to a friend about her breakup, even when it’s feeling too much.
She answers the phone to her depressed brother every time because she feels like he needs her and she is worried that he doesn’t have anyone else.
She stays with the kids all day long until she ends up irritated and snapping at them.
She sits in discomfort every time she visits her parents while her dad tells her what to do with her life.
She puts up with the renter’s dirty dishes just to have an ‘easier’ life.
She lends her boyfriend money even though he still hasn’t paid her the last round back.
She ended up going further than she wanted with the guy on her last date.
She got into a situation she felt she couldn’t say no to and did something she hadn’t planned with someone who wasn’t aligned.
Without clear boundaries, we may easily find ourselves in situations where we are giving too much away, draining ourselves, finding ourselves the recipient of negative or heavy energy, and generally spreading ourselves too thin. We may find ourselves doing things out of a feeling of obligation, a desire to help that is not being well directed. When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated and may attack who someone is, rather than their behaviour. This equally applies to ourselves.
Think of the end result of all of the above actions built up. Eventually, we end up creating situations or pushing ourselves to the point of resentment. The frustration at not tending to the self builds like the pressure in a kettle and will burst in some future event, creating a big drama that is much larger than the trigger itself might be (hence the saying, “It’s not about what it’s about.”
Boundaries hold the self in wholeness.
Boundaries mean we know where our responsibility - our ability to respond - begins and ends.
An individual with strong and compassionate personal boundaries knows when to be disciplined and present and when to give herself rest. She is aware of what she is able and willing to give.
A relationship with strong and compassionate boundaries means that both parties can be fully present with each other within certain agreements, and feel free to move on when those moments are closed. Energy is directed within a clear container. Both parties know where they are at and what is available to them. There is little discomfort and lots of respect.
She with solid boundaries exists in her Sovereign power with ease and grace, knowing how to prioritize her own health and wellbeing without feeling pressured or overwhelmed.
Examples of weak boundaries might include:
feeling incomplete without another person
feeling unable to express one's own wishes and preferences
engaging in acts of physical intimacy even when they are uncomfortable or don't feel right
accepting physical touch such as pats or hugs when unwanted
doing things for fear of missing out
working late even if you didn’t intend to
settling for less than you deserve
Agreeing to do things that are inconvenient or even detrimental, just to be easy
Saying you’ll do something and then not doing it
Spending too long on something that is not a priority
Doing things that you know aren’t good for you
and so on...
Boundaries are your day-to-day way of making sure you’re tended to; ways to steward this little piece of reality that is YOU.
Think of boundaries as your own personal commitments, mottoes or rules. If it’s uncomfortable, simply tell people that you are working on setting personal promises. For example: “I’d love to come out to your birthday, and I have a personal commitment to get into bed by 10! Let's see how much we can enjoy ourselves before I leave!”
Examples of Boundaries
Here are some examples of what boundaries might look and sound like:
“That pizza looks so good I could eat it all, but I said I’m going to try a month without cheese.”
“I choose to turn my phone off after 8pm.”
“I don’t have deep conversations after 8pm but I promise we can talk about it in the morning.”
“I don’t work at night, so I’ll get back to you in the morning when I’ve had a chance to read your email."
“I would love to party with you, but for now I have committed to getting up early and I want to keep that promise to myself. Let’s hang out at lunchtime instead!”
“I really want to break it down and give you the time that this deserves, but I’m feeling a bit down myself and don’t feel like I can properly hold space for you. When do you have a couple hours free so we can go into it?”
“Weekends are my family time. I’ll catch up on this on Monday.”
“That job is so enticing, but if I take it I will be giving up precious evenings with my partner. It’s a no to this, but keep me in mind if anything with different hours comes up.”
“I am not open for feedback right now, thank you. I would prefer encouragement at this stage of my growth.”
“When you talk to me like that, I switch off. Can we take a pause and discuss this when we’re both feeling more calm?”
“I already said no and I would appreciate it if we could move on to other solutions.”
“Thanks for sharing your opinion - right now I would prefer to make the decision at my own pace.”
“I appreciate your feedback. I will sit with it and see what makes most sense for me.”
“I would love to support, but I’m not able to do so in that way. Is there some other way I can help?”
“I prefer not to share a room, so if it’s easier I am happy to find my own hotel and meet afterwards?
“I am happy to lend this to you, as long as any damage is paid for by the time I return.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t lend out this item. I can share this one with you though?”
“My body is precious to me and I only choose to share it with someone I have developed a strong connection with.”
“Thanks but I don’t meet new people at night. Let's connect for coffee tomorrow.”
“Thanks so much for respecting me and waiting until we both feel comfortable.”
“I’m currently not looking for an open relationship, but I love our connection. Let’s keep things clear and let go of the physical connection but continue to feed our friendship.”
“I'm cool with following each other on social media, but not with sharing passwords.”
“I'm comfortable kissing and holding hands, but not in public.”
“I'm okay with regularly texting, but I don't want to text multiple times in an hour.”
Implementing boundaries can be a slow process to start with, however once you start being comfortable with saying them out loud, it will quickly get easier and easier to say what you want. If it feels uncomfortable, or you feel a situation building, try practicing saying the words when you are on your own. If you are setting new boundaries in a relationship, give a lot of time to talk it out. State clearly what will happen if the boundary is crossed, and act on it. Setting a boundary and then breaking it sends a clear message to the other party that it does not have worth - and directly integrates in some way to your own self worth.
Remember - you do not need to over explain or prove why you are setting boundaries. In a respectful relationship, it will be enough for you to state your needs, share your feelings and why you are making this decision, and be accepted in that, even if it makes someone uncomfortable. If it is not, reflect on it. Part of the journey to Self Love is being able to listen to yourself and act accordingly to honor yourself even when it upsets someone else. Sometimes that requires that we ‘sit in the fire’ and allow the discomfort, knowing that the suffering will be bigger if we ignore our needs.
Be very aware around those who listen to you state your boundaries and then ignore them. If you are unable to hold your boundaries with someone, the relationship must be looked at and rebalanced before it can come back into health. A relationship without boundaries can easily and often turn toxic. We create boundaries to learn how to love each other well. When creating boundaries in a relationship, process with your partner, clearly communicate how you feel and why you are making the boundary, state what will happen if the boundary is crossed, and most of all… Be consistent!
Unclear Boundaries
= Leaky Container
= Energy Lost
Clear Boundaries
= More Presence
= More Intentional Energy for Everyone
Another aspect of boundary setting is learning how to respect others boundaries, even when it doesn’t align with what you want or need. Here are some ways it might look:
“I really need to talk. Do you have space to process with me right now?”
““Can I come or would you prefer to be alone?”
“Is now a good time?”
“How are you feeling about that project? Does everything feel clear and comfortable?”
“I’m hearing you say you’re tired, so don’t worry about my request right now. Let me know when you’re feeling better.”
“I double booked and can’t make our date. How do you feel about that? Do you have space to meet tomorrow instead?”
“I understood the situation to be this. Was that correct or did I not hear you right?”
“I really want to borrow that, how would you feel about it? If not, I can…”
“Would you be willing to…”
“Are you available for…”
“I’m coming into town on Monday, what are you available for?”
“I’m really attracted to you. What are you looking for?”
“I would love you to come but I understand you have a lot on right now, so if you prefer we can meet another time.”
Boundaries Integration Questions
What are some boundaries you feel good about keeping?
What are some areas in which you feel your boundaries need some strengthening and/or clarification?
Pick 1-3 personal rules you would like to bring in over the next few weeks.
Journal about why, how and when
Have the necessary conversations to communicate these new boundaries
JIYA JULIA
Jiya works in the field of self-empowerment, particularly through creative expression, helping people to identify their challenges and fulfill their full potential. A founder of international organization Kula Collective, Jiya offers her retreats around the world.
