Trusting Yourself

I remember that evening, 25 years old and heart hurting

So wretched

I said I would leave for my Big Trip tomorrow.

But I just fell in love 6 weeks ago 

And I want to see where it's going

Before I go away indefinitely

I’m torn up with confusion about what to do.

I look at the cost of changing a flight.

I debate it for a long time.

Long, mind twisting inner conversations

Do I stay or do I go?

I can’t get away from the idea that I’m somehow doing something wrong if I don’t.

As if some greater power, that had previously been cheering me on, 

Would lose faith in me when they saw how easily I surrendered my leap for freedom.

I cry and cry.  

I ask all my friends what they think.   

I feel the loss of something as I rebook my ticket for a month later.

As if I have failed myself.

Even though I was taking a step in the direction of love.

Now, I think

The answer would be easier

Why would I ever get so stuck on a decision I made in the past?

How could I not see that my pain came from self-judgment,

created from my idea of what I should do.

No one was depending on me

No one was affected if I delayed my trip

Only me

And the man I was in love with

And the opportunity I would open up between us

Through trusting my own heart.

Do you trust yourself?

As in, do you place faith in your own word? Do you stand by your own decisions? Do you know your power and your potential, and trust in your ability to realize it?

These are huge questions that perhaps haven’t been posed before.  If the answers seem remote, or even scary, do not fear.

When did you start doubting your abilities and not trusting yourself to be able to rise to the responsibilities of a new situation? 

Trust is something that, even if it has so far evaded you, can be built. Yet here’s the catch: We cannot trust without first opening up to the possibility of trust.

Trust is a human experience that is both simultaneously given and earned at the same time. You cannot gather the evidence that builds trust without first creating the opportunity for it to happen. And so, when we hide on the side of doubt, constantly questioning ourselves, we are effectively not giving ourselves the opportunity to rebuild the trust that got lost somewhere along the line.

We might believe the false idea that trust means we can be sure of an outcome. The truth is, there is absolutely nothing in the whole universe that can promise certainty, let alone ourselves. If we are looking for signs of sure success within us, we will certainly fail. Instead, self-trust is built as a result of a steady cumulation of reference points about how we respond.  

When we tell ourselves we are going to do something, and then follow through, we build trust. 

When we watch ourselves respond from calm and centered judgment, or when we honor our emotions without getting lost in them, we build trust. 

When we watch ourselves in the throes of misfortune, deeply challenged, and yet showing up, over and over, we build trust. 

When we watch ourselves respond to our own failures or mistakes with compassion and understanding, we build trust.  We know that we, I, ME, am someone I can turn to and rely on, no matter what happens. 

I become my own best friend, all over again.

Eventually, enough of these reference points then lead to the understanding that “I trust myself.” This trust gathers weight the more we feed it. 

It can also break if we cross it. If we constantly talk about ways we want to change, without really following through, we learn to lose confidence in our word, and become more likely to fail at personal promises.  If we react from unchanneled emotion in a way that becomes destructive, we lose faith in our own inner JOY compass. If we surrender to fear about what might happen if we make a mistake, we lose trust in our own strength.

We can also easily let ourselves be influenced by others. When stuck in patterns such as codependency or people pleasing, our natural inclination is to think what we think is wrong or that others know better than we do. We place higher value in the opinions of others than we do in our own.

It is never too late to turn it around. Trust, like everything in the world, can be fluid. 

More than this, a lack of trust in ourselves probably means we are not fully seeing the truth of who we are. Catch yourself.  Are you looking back through a pair of lenses that is filtering out all the times in which you did actually rise to the occasion? Maybe you doubt yourself now… but what about all those times when you leveled up? Is the evidence you are seeing here based in reality or being seen through the lens of past pain?

Now look back for a moment, and take off the lenses. See now? See all those times when you felt like you were falling, and when you ended up turning it round full circle? See how your life has been a continuous exercise in leveling up? At each stage you've been challenged to grow and you have met that challenge. What did your self talk have to say to ignore all the leveling up in your past?

All the work we have done so far leads us to this place. We have come face to face with the voices that wear us down and feed us with images of ‘should’ and ‘want’ that aren’t who we truly are. This is the culmination. This is the center. Trust.

Lean into uncertainty. Bring your vision to this here and now, and let go of past ideas you had about yourself. Start using the language “I will…” rather than “I will try…” or “I might…”, knowing that you WILL follow through. Start giving yourself the opportunity to build trust, rather than shying away from the opportunity altogether and giving yourself an easy out.

Remember all our work on self compassion and forgiveness. You are not the same as you were. This adult self has never had more resources than it does right now.

You’re not too late. You’re not too behind. You’re not too old. You’re not too young. You don’t need all the things you think you do. You may think you’ve missed the boat, but you haven’t. It is never too late to reinvent yourself. And if the reason is that you haven’t fully trusted yourself until now - then start with this:

“No matter what happens, 

how much I fail or make mistakes or don’t fully understand, 

I know I will be ok on the other side. 

No matter what happens, I am still worthy of love.

I see myself. 

I love myself.

I trust myself.”

Tips for Building Self Trust:

• Self Center

  • Close your eyes and sit quietly, listening to your breath.  

  • Ask yourself these questions:

    • What would life look like if you were living at your full potential? 

    • What would it feel like to be free of doubt, shame and fear?  

  • Allow an image to filter through your consciousness. 

  • This is your highest Self, you at your most evolved existence. 

  • Fix the image in your mind, shining, expansive and calm. 

  • Call on this image in times of doubt and let the true You emerge through the emotions.

• Follow your intuition

  • Learn the signs, and follow them

  • Does it feel expansive, or contractive

• If it's not yes, it’s no

  • Or at least, not yet

  • If you need more time, give it to yourself

  • Often, the thing that is needed in a difficult decision is time to marinate

  • Wait for the full body yes before moving forward

    • If that means missing the opportunity, trust that another will come

• If you feel doubt, pin that doubt to its specific source

  • Identify what is causing the doubt

  • Don’t let doubt about one thing become doubt about everything

  • Remember, it's ok to make a mistake. You don’t need to doubt yourself as a result.

• Trust your decisions once they are made

  • Notice if you often doubt and try to cancel agreements

    • What is this coming from? 

  • Unless something feels deeply wrong, try to trust the decisions you have made and stick to them

  • Remember, there is no ‘wrong’ path

• When things don’t go your way, get curious

  • Stay expansive

  • Choose to believe that it didn’t go right because there is something else out there that is even better

  • Trust that a way will open up in time

• Follow your Joy

  • Learn the feeling of joy, and respond to it

  • Choose in favor of your passions

  • Remember passion leads to purpose

• Get clear on your vision

  • What do you want?

  • What is most important?

• Be Impeccable With Your Word

  • Follow through on what you say you are going to do, especially when it comes to promises you make with yourself

  • Don’t say that you will do something until you mean it

  • Encourage yourself to make commitments to yourself

    • This creates the opportunity for you to build self trust

• Know your Priorities

  • What is the ultimate, most important thing you must do today?

    • This can include looking after yourself

  • Do that first

• Take time in silence

  • Allow space for insight to arise

  • Alone time is essential for clear sight

• Know that everything is transient

  • Let go of attachment

  • Let what comes, come, let what stays, stay, let what goes, go

• Know your voice of doubt and negative self talk

  • Remember they are programs designed to keep you safe

  • You do not have to listen

• Choose what makes you feel free

  • Freedom is often frightening, and that’s ok

  • Freedom also feels full of new possibility

  • Know the difference between frightening and constricting or suffocating

    • This could be the difference between the choice that brings freedom and the choice that keeps you trapped

• Know that you know what you’re doing

  • Even if your small self mind is caught in its programs, your highest Self is still there

  • Some part of you has a divine purpose and knows how to follow it

  • No one knows the situation better than you

  • Trust in your ability to figure even difficult situations out

How would it feel to live a life where you knew… just knew…

that you were magnificent?

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? 

Actually, who are you not to be? 

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. 

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that 

other people won't feel insecure around you. 

We are all meant to shine, as children do. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. 

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously 

give other people permission to do the same. 

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” 

Marianne Williamson

JIYA JULIA

Jiya works in the field of self-empowerment, particularly through creative expression, helping people to identify their challenges and fulfill their full potential.  A founder of international organization Kula Collective, Jiya offers her retreats around the world.